Sexy vs Non-Sexy Food, by Cook Suck

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Sexy vs Non-Sexy Food, by Cook Suck

Posted on
in Features

By Cook Suck

Cheeseburgers are sexy.  Any chocolate bar-based baking isn’t sexy – Mars Bar slice?  Cherry Ripe cheesecake?  This date is over; I’m out the door. Whipped cream isn’t sexy, it’s embarrassing.  People that think whipped cream is sexy are the same people who think messenger bags are funky.  Flour is sexy, a light dusting, I’m getting hot under the collar just thinkin’ bout it.  Pineapple?  Not sexy, but not unsexy.  Flirty perhaps?  Cheesecake is romantic, but the Cheesecake Shop is more accidental pregnancy.  Quiche – so fucking unsexy it hurts.  Cold quiche is an aunt giving you an extended kiss on the lips, ugh.  Mangoes are too sexy; they’re kind of roll-the-camera-and-invite-multiple-friends-over sexy.  Even though pigs roll around in their own shit all day, I think pulled pork is sexy; metaphorically rolling around in each other’s shit – somewhat sexy?  Gulp! Disregarding champagne which, while sexy, is not as sexy as most people think it is – is wine sexier than hard liquor?  I don’t think it is – there’s nothing sexier than sitting directly across the table from your number one gal with a bottle of whiskey and just getting stuck into it – real street level, heart in the gutter stuff – let it bleed baby, let’s sleep on the kitchen floor like fools.  Gelato is and always will be sexy.  Ben and Jerry’s to sexiness is like Kony to human rights.  Lychees are more pornographic than sexy – one night stand sexy, is that sexy?  No, that’s just sexual intercourse – lychees are sexual intercourse, let’s lychee honey.  Lobsters, crabs and their crustacean contemporaries are a drug fuelled sex rampage, so somewhat sexy, just not really meet-your-mum sexy.  Corn Flakes are effortlessly sexy. Special K was but isn’t anymore and neither is Diet Coke, they let themselves go, back-in-the-day sexy?   Hot Dogs are party animal sexy.  Banana bread is extremely unsexy – 30-seconds-pass-out-straight-after sex “I’ve got work in the morning” sexy.  A roast dinner?  I don’t know, sexy for some?  I suppose roasts are somewhat sexy.  All that gravy – middle class decadence.  Finally, strawberries – not sexy, more irritating.  “We need to talk” sexy.